Well. Here I am. And you guys are gone. My first blog post in a while. Yippee! Too bad though, that most of the stuff going on right now isn't rainbows and butterflies.
Tensions, and emotions, are running rampant in my house. It's hard to watch my mom and grandma talk about what to do for the memorial. You can just see that it's killing them inside.
They shouldn't have to do this.
I miss you guys.
I feel like an emotional barrel. A barrel that's buried in the middle of the earth. It's SO buried that it's come out the other side of the earth so that it's not buried anymore. But it is.
This post represents a small bit of what's inside that barrel.
My emotions. What I'm feeling.
I feel like, if I put my feelings, my emotions, the things I keep hidden, out there for people to see...then I make myself vulnerable. They're out there. For people to comment about, to criticize, to judge, to think about, to KNOW.
I'm going against every fiber of my being by posting this.
I feel helpless. I'm strong in front of my family. I'm strong in front of myself. I'm strong in front of you.
But in front of my computer. My words. I quake.
I have to watch my family go through this hard time. It's painful, for them and for me.
I want it to be over.
Wow. You guys wanted me to talk, you got me to talk. And you aren't even here. There's some skills right there.
Sorry it had to be so depressing.
Donald Trudeau died on November 30, 2010. He was the best grandpa I could have ever had. He was always happy, always smiling, and I've never looked up to anyone like I looked up to him. There were so many things I wanted to say to him. But never did.
"Grandpa Turtle", as we used to call him, will be forever in my heart.
And one day I'll see him again.
-A
All I ask is that you pray for my Grandma and Mom. They're taking it super hard.
Thank you.
I had no idea you loved your grandpa so much, I wish you'd have told me. I want to be there for you when you're sad Amanda, I want to comfort you when you are missing someone you loved. I don't want you to pretend to be strong and be silly all the time even when you're hurting. We're in this for life, it's real now, and you can always show me how you're feeling. I'm not here to judge you, I'm here to embrace every single part of you, including your feelings and emotions, even the depressing ones.
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Yes, loves. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I don't know how much it hurts, but I know that it must be deep enough for you to post this. I want you to know that we are all there for you and that just by going out of your comfort zone and sharing this, you've become so much stronger. There are times for being strong, and there are times when we're not strong enough. It's in our most trying and "Oh, my God, why?" times that He shows us how much He carries us. I'm sorry we weren't there to listen, but always remember that God is. I know you know that, but I can't say it enough (even to myself).
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're hurting. You are an amazing person and in the future if there ever is a need for explosion of feelings, know that we're here. Again, I'm sorry we were out of town for this one. Thanks for letting us know. Loves.
-M
A, I love you. I hope that you see the distinctions between confidentially sharing some of the hard things your dealing with with your close friends and posting your emotions on the internet for all to see. There's a difference, you don't have to feel pressured to wear your emotions on your sleeve and shout when your angry, cry when you're sad, etc. You can simply confide in us when you have to, we're not just any people.
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