In Which I have an Intense Battle With Myself

...It is up to you to decide whether I lost or won.

Anyways, today I auditioned for The Crucible, at K's school. It was a really last minute thing, Saturday night I learned of it, Sunday I decided to do it, and Auditions were on Monday/Tuesday.
Sunday night and into the wee hours of the morning on Monday I scoured the internet for a good monologue. Monday I picked five out of 10. Tuesday? I narrowed it down to two. Decided on one, then switched. Then, memorized it.
I started the day off by sobbing uncontrollably. Listened to Tenth Avenue North (they're a life saver) and trying to pull myself together.
After internally giving myself a harsh lecture, I calmed down enough to practice.
I practiced for four hours, reading it aloud with different emotions, reading random stuff aloud to practice Cold Reading (which we also had to do) and fixing my hair.
I was pretty confident, although I got really flustered when I went to leave because I thought I was late, and I couldn't find my cell phone or keys ANYWHERE. I finally found them and I raced out the door, bringing Steve along with me. :))
Gah, I hate public schools. All of my confidence was left in the car with Steve as I walked into the school, the feeling of a thousand eyes upon me. I made my way to the auditorium, sat down in the waaaaay back, and tried to look like I was actually supposed to be there.
K, my lifesaver, arrived and she kept me company and made sure I knew what was going on and stuff. My heart was frozen in my chest the entire time and I was shaking slightly. I nearly almost burst into tears, talking with K. Dood. I am so insecure it's insane.
One by one people were called behind stage....and none returned!! MUAHAHA!
Just kidding. Anyways, they finally called my name and I entered the room, feeling like was going to faint, throw up, die, or just shrivel...all at once.
K's sister (haha) is the assistant director and she and the actual director were sitting behind a creepy looking table in the middle of the semi-dark room.
My lines left me as I started reading. My voice shook. My hands shook. My mouth slowly got dryer and dryer until it was TOTALLY DRY. Even my tongue. I felt like I was speaking in gibberish by the end, I couldn't control what my mouth was doing. I rushed, I panicked, I messed up my lines....all in all, not one of my best works.
I hastily left afterward, trying to swallow, trying to breath, trying not to die. I went back to my little angel in human form, K (giggle), and sat down, dead but still intact.
Dang. Creepiest thing ever.
After EVERYONE had gone we did cold readings were there were 6 different random scenes from the play and the Director would pick people to read parts from a random scene.
I admit, I had some shameful thoughts. I was so nervous, I imagined myself sneaking out the back, bursting into tears, and running out the door. K would look up form her homework with confusion, and then, finally, understanding. She'd wrap her arms around my shoulders and we'd manage to get to the car, where I would drive sluggishly home because the tears would be blurring my vision.
Just call me a drama queen. But I actually DID think about it.
Then the director went to the bathroom, and I was thinking about confronting her and asking,
"What do you really think of me? Do you honestly think I have a chance, or can I go?" - seriously. Ran through my mind. 3 times.
BUT I stuck it out, mainly because I was too paralyzed with terror to move, much less leave. Ok, moving on...

The first time....I got a total of ONE line. Annnndd...someone else accidentally read it.
Mary/Mercy...easy to get confused. :P
Second time....I got waay more lines...and I don't wish to sound vain or anything, but I actually think I did REALLY good. Better than the other girls.
Granted, I had to hold the paper with two hands, otherwise people could see it visibly shaking. My leg almost gave out. Then my HEAD started trembling and I was trying desperately to keep my mouth moist so it wouldn't dry up like the Sahara dessert again. GASP. I was SO nervous!!
But as we were putting our papers away after the scene, a guy who had been reading with me whispered,
"Great Job, Amanda! That was incredible!" or something to that effect. I don't really actually remember his exact words 'cause I was trying not to faint. I did ONE more, with less lines than the second time, but definitely more than the first. It was pretty balanced.
Then, she asked it anyone needed to be gone by 5, and since I thought I'd be outta there by 4, I raised my hand. (I had work at 4). She said OK and had me leave. As I left, I heard a whisper,
"Hey Amanda!"
I turned. And it was the same guy, telling my I did a great job.
*calms fluttering heart*
haha. Just kidding. But he DID completely make my day. I managed to get back to K without fainting and we left.
I felt ENORMOUSLY better and very satisfied with myself. I gave Steve a very cold hug and drove K home. Sure, I totally destroyed my monologue, and I wish I could have stayed longer, so they could see what I could really do, but hopefully I made up for it in some small way with the cold readings. Even if I don't get the part, on the whole, I'm proud of myself. I've always wanted to be in a play or act or something, and I had three very long, torturous days of fighting myself about it. I felt like Solomon, but not quite as intense. haha. An inward battle. A struggle for dominance. Weakness, comfort, easy-going, non stressful...or stretching myself? Doing something I've always wanted to do, no matter what? Willing to put myself through it to achieve something?
Well, I did it. And I am immensely tired. Never have I been so TIRED purely from chaotic emotions. Never. Dood.
And it's not over.

I could get the part, or not. Either way, I'll be OK. :) And that makes me happy. Thinking about it, just Trying out was enough for me. Stretching myself THAT far...wow. I've never done that before.
And if I don't get a part? There's still Little Women I'll be shooting for, with S. :) Gosh this is long. :\ Oh well. I am proud of myself, so why shouldn't it be long?! That is what I ask.

But now I'm done, so it doesn't matter. :P Thank you people, for those who prayed, thank you for those who encouraged, and thank you for those who where there. :) I love you guys!! *sob*
:) Wish me luck! I find out tomorrow! No matter what, I did not fail!

-A

A very happy person. :)